MY LETTER TO MY DOCTOR ANGRY LETTER

New Letter for Lorna and Shirkhande.

I have my childhood diary, a life story  I wrote when I was 18, another one I wrote when I was 23.  I have another life story I wrote at 30 and I am writing a new one at 36.

I have psychoanalyzed my life and concluded that I never had real friends, I never had a decent social life at home, I was totally neglected by everyone around me, and I was never found out to this way by anyone until I met a dream analyst.  I had to figure it out by myself.

You could say growing up there was “social anxiety disorder” and it never went away until after I wrote my master’s thesis for the secret university and had it stolen by hackers. 

I literally was terrified of everyone, my whole life, and had no lifelong, real well cultured well educated friends.  My dad despite being a university professor and from a so called good neighborhood had no idea what to do in his life concerning children. 

My mother was terrified too.

We were probably all subconsciously so afraid of being caught, jailed, tortured, killed, we are like paranoid schizophrenics.

I am well aware that I may have suffered from paranoia and underlying social anxiety.  However I was a good student, I could understand something if it was explained to me.

No one explained life, God, the Devil, the social world, girlfriends, how to fit in, how to protect myself.

Almost no one.

I had some clues.  I was terrified my family would meet an evil fate at the hands of the Devil or God, I had delusion systems.  Fixed ideas that were causing me to deviated intellectually, socially, and physically from the right path.

My mother had deluded me as to God’s nature and the nature of society.  She told me God wanted to burn me in hell as a kid and that “they” were going to lock me up and throw away the key.  She didn’t inquire as to how my life was going ever.  My father was no better, he would tell me I had a mental condition and just ignore me.  My parents refused me psychological help when I requested it as a boy.  I took an ovedose of pills.

I tried to find out about God from a priest, but he told me “that’s the mystery of God” and I was petrified.

I lived in a terrible world of neglect, and verbal abuse.

To make matters worse, the Church I went to was ignoring talking about good conduct and emphasizing that Christ hated us and wanted us to be poor, and that the rich had to give us all their money. 

My parents didn’t understand to explain anything to me, they must have theorized I would be smart and prosperous like them and take care of them in old age.  They didn’t realize that they were such bad people that it was going to lead to me being unable to work.

I tried to believe in God but I couldn’t read the Bible, it was a nightmare, just going to hell forever and all your children too, and being ruled by the devil, because you ate an apple, and then killings millions of people now for the God includings kids.  Killing you for all mistakes. 

It was a nightmare of child abuse by a terrorist institution and wicked parents. 

Admittedly the Church may have tried to teach us something about what Jesus said, that we had to sheep apparently, but they didn’t explain that that meant we had to be nice to each other and help each other.

It was really a diabolical institution and emotionally and intellectually and socially very poor, ignorant people.

I was naturally so frightened due my maltreatment and the fact I couldn’t see a doctor, that I felt I had to smoke marijuana and become a thug. 

I found some companions when I started listening to punk music and hip hop and smoking grass.

I finally had a buddy, that I could see regularly and talk with.  We smoked marijuana.

I was still doing okay in my life.  I wanted to get a job like one my friends but my mom was bigoted, she never wants me to do anything job that I am interested in.  When I was a kid she wouldn’t let me open a lemonade stand, she wouldn’t let me deliver the paper, she told me not to be an artist.   Now she wouldn’t let me get a job in a supermarket or restaurant.  I don’t know what was wrong with her, I think she was deeply deeply insane.

My Father told me to commit every sin and told me about Paul of Tarsus.  The Church loved to read the letters of this madman who was a terrible criminal and claim it was the word of GOD.

REALLY IT WAS A NIGHTMARE DOCTOR.

I didn’t want to be a criminal at all, I didn’t even want to smoke weed.  So I found myself finding new friends, but I was naturally an asshole to my old friends and just hated them by never talking to them again.

I had no idea how to act to be happy and good and successful.  I nevertheless knew to obey the law and thought I had less chance of going to prison if I was a good citizen maybe so I volunteered and took part in school activities.

I was sexually assaulted by a woman in my grade, who was a Muslim.  I felt I had to learn about Islam since I had met Muslims.

I had been doing great in school and extra curricular activities.  Now I felt I had to go to hell and became clinically depressed, suffering in all my activities.  I was exhausted, fixated on playing video games and looking at porno and watching tv and avoiding my duties as a student.  I felt I was a failure because I wasn’t doing all the things I used to do.

I had failure complexes. Religious delusions.  Depression.  I was being incited to be a communist by my dad and the church we went to.  I guess their plot was for me to be a party member and make a lot of money and buy them wine and sushi when they were old.

Now I was able to get into university fine, because I had great marks in some subjects.

I went to McGill.  My first week was great, then 9-11 happened.  I became superparanoid, I was partly a muslim now that I had known Muslims.  I found Muslims as bad and terrifying as the Christians.  Here they were saying it was God’s will to torture people forever and ever and have sex with young girls in heaven.

It was a communist fucker conspiracy all along Doctor, a communist pedophile conspiracy maybe.

(religion and shit)

Now I was feeling I owed it to the people to defend human rights, so I took part in human rights activities.  For some time I did quite well in school, my first two years.

Now I was totally skipping and failing out of my greek class because I was mentally ill.  I had hated my teaher so much, for saying basically that we had to marry little girls. 

I feared so much these Christian pedophiles who say that the Bible is the Word of God and that we must marry virgins, and then they explain to you that virgins means little girls.  We have to have sex with little girls, they say.  Or go to hell.  Furthermore they explain we have to forgive everyone and that God is unconditional love, or we will go to hell.

Well now.

This can drive anyone crazy, especially if they have no GANGSTER ALLIES…. 

It was hell on Earth in so many ways, for innocent people who only wanted to help others and obey the law…

That’s what I was doing, but it felt like I was the only one.  In my second year I met some good people and we were friends, but I didn’t keep up those friendships and neither did they.

I got illegally arrested (the courts would later throw out the charges) and was under conditions.  IT was depressing.  I was peace and human rights activist.  I heard more people on the radio talking about “how the Talmud was the word of God” and I looked into it and it was saying pedophilia was okay and jews had to dominate the world and kill the non Jews.

It was very frustrating.  I looked into Nazism and thought I preferred the Nazis to the communists.

The communists were enslaving everyone and being rich themselves, while anyone who wanted free enterprise was being thrown in jail in Siberia. 

At in Nazi Germany Christianity was under attack, and so was Judaism, and repeated offenders in crimes were also being sent to concentration camps, nto just Jews and Christian priests.

I actually liked the Nazis and the Hindus.

I studied some Indian scripture and thought I preferred at least India’s religion.

Now at university I was doing great, I got As in everything I was interested in and B’s in everything I was bored by for the most part, except that greek class where the teacher was to me , a pedophile and terrorist.

I was doing fine extra curricularly other than my lack of good family relationships and good friends.  I worked out regularly, I played intellectually stimulating games, I studied piano and singing.  I went out dancing.

The problem with my life is that at this point most people who are ignorant of the real purpose of life, who are not lawful people, who are superficial, so to speak, are simply thinking I have a great life, that there is nothing wrong with me.

But I am telling you there is something profoundly wrong with me, I am victimized by an unjust world, filled with violent governments and rapist cults masquerading as the true religion you have to join or die.  !!!!!!!!!!!!  And I am not in a gang, and I have no real friends.   This is profoundly bad situation.

I have no one I can trust.

Well it all caught up with me, here I was so messed up I was bound to turn to some vices.  I got into dark erotica and marijuana the summer after my second year.  My brother was into it too.  I was looking at pictures of corpses and watching execution videos.  Yeah I was a bit decadent.

I know people think I was doing well, but if I had well treated I would have been a doctor or CEO by the time I was 20 or 25.  Lol I would have not been sick and would have much stronger physically and mentally. 

FUCK EVERYONE I KNEW

bunch of animals.

Yeah since meeting my new gang friends, who are good people, I am doing much better in many ways.

After all that college problems, I finally had to drop out when  went through a series of crisises.

Now I had some fun times, and enjoyed myself.  I worked and did stuff. I was doing fine.  I had found peace of sorts and was able to stand up for myself. I studied Islam and Christianity and realized that these people who were abusing us were just criminals, the fact is they had corrupted Chrisitnity and Islam.

I had a good relationship in this time with some people.  I had an older brother friend at one time, and he helped explain to me that I couldn’t act properly and had been given some carefully crafted abuse designed to make me some kind of fucked up person. 

I then got back with my family and worked for dad’s business, and got along alright with one of my much older brothers, who is some 10-15 years older than me.  He tried to help me with ideas of how to grow and change.

I moved to Victoria.  I wanted a girlfriend, and to work for my dad’s company.  I was smoking marijuana but I was doing great studying science and history and religion.

I ran into these guys and had issues.  My instincts told me they were really bad.  I decided to try to be their close friend to find out what was going on.

The problem was I still had no idea what a real friend was.  My studies in literature hadn’t exposed to me to what a real friend was.  I didn’t study what a real friendship was in literature class.  That is a failure of our education system.

Now I went and I did my thing.  I had been diagnosed schizo affective in California after having been busted drinking in a park on new year’s eve, and had smoked some marijuana earlier.  I believe Calfironians diagnosed me schizo affective to protect me.  The Zyprexa went well with the weed and I felt more at peace.

Now I was working in BC and volunteering a lot, studying, I tried to meet people and talk to them, make friends, but I still didn’t know the difference between a real friend and someone who was just using you.

Apparently everyone is so paranoid, that I met, that even their regular friends they won’t talk to about their personal lives.

Now I fell hard on a girl, got depressed, and wanted to do cocaine.  I hadn’t really been doing cocaine at all really, just in 7 years maybe 8 times. 

I found myself getting a number, and suddently I was addicted to coke.  I believe this is because they had put fentanyl in it or because I was so fucked up now by my situation intellectually, socially, and possibly legally as well.  I was clearly a Libertarian dissident and anti serious crimes personality.  I respected drug culture and people who wanted to have adultery, but I was some kind of religious person who was like and Islamic Christian Buddhist Hindu Taoist Confucianist.  That means I was saying I followed the religion of the Islamic Chistian Buddhist , Hindui and Chinese worlds. 

I didn’t want to go to any temples because of all the perverts there but I was happy in my own practice of spirutuality and my studies. I was studying science and developing my own new concepts.  I was studying the field of advanced energy and weapons systems and terraforming (making new planets like Earth).

I don’t think I was very schizophrenic just young and confused.

However something would happen.  I would get addicted to this laced cocaine and become messed up in my mental state.  I developed another delusion that I was going to hell and my family was going to hell and the world was going to be destroyed.

I think at this point I became schizo affective perhaps,  or you could say “stressed and deluded.”

I couldn’t get a normal job.

My father had fired me because I was late on a job.

I got on disability.

Now I was working hard on my life, trying to meditate and make a realization.  It was perhaps at this time that I began to learn of deep profound hatred inside me, and social anxiety issues were highlighted by mind too at this time, though it wasn’t framed in terms of anxiety problems.

I believe I couldn’t aknowledge my anxiety because of evil sayins in the holy books, claiming you could not fear or you would go to hell, could fear only Allah et cetera.  This was a total mental block, a profoundly unhelpful religious construct, part of my delusions system.

I finally saw that the guy I thought might be evil who I was playing close to was part of a hard drugs dealing, robbing, assaulting, network of people.  I found him to be perhaps alrght but he was bringing some bad people into his kid’s small apartment home. 

I talked to his daughter who was 6 and she wanted to play married with me, I asked her what it was and she showed me that she wanted to grab my penis.  

At this point I realized that she may well have been sexually abused.

Also my cocaine dealer at that time was doing awful things to me.  Or it felt like it.

Now I decided I had to talk to the cops, about what I had seen.  There was a terrible coincidence, after the time the girl had showed me grabbing penis as playing married and told me she wanted to do it with me, as this had transpired in front of her father and his best friend… well now, she was in danger!

I knew I had to call the cops, that is when I first called them about black dragon… That is when I started seeing Doctor Shirkhande.

I called the cops and told them there was a James Bond Villain when they showed up.   They asked me who it was I was so nervous I got confused and told them it was my drug dealer and the father of the abused child.  The stupid cops didn’t do their fucking job and ask me fucking questions and find out the rest of my story.  I was so afraid of the stupid cops might be bad because they told me “we thought we was gonna kill black dragon.” I was confused.

Just prior to calling the cops some men had apparently bought me a drink that was laced with some drug. 

This was A BAD situation.

Know at the hospital they asked me about my medical state a few questions and I talked about the stuff the Devil had been trying on me at that time a little bit.  What the Highest Priest on Earth has told me after talking to me about this for 2 years is that I was possessed by the Devil and he was trying to destroy me in an indirect way.

(I met the secret supreme high priest through the secret university)

LOL

Now I had a big shit happen.  I was now afraid of the cops because they weren’t doing their job properly.

I went to hospital and I was afraid of you Doctor cause you weren’t talking to me like a friend it seemed.

I didn’t trust anyone still except maybe my Older Brother codename EL who had given me seeminly good advice.

Now after this happened, some EXTREME SHIT HAPPENED!

Apparently these guys tried to get someone we knew by chance, to blow up my apartment.

The cops apparently were so dumb they let it out that we had told them we were looking for a James Bond villain!

LOL  The reason I had told them it was a James Bond villain was because I thought we maybe had fentanyl dealing, child molesting, murdering network with lot of money.

The cops were too dumb to ask me any good questions, they might be corrupt cops by the way.

Now this whole thing is  a scandal you see?

Then I reported the terrorist attack on my apartment building to the police, before the bomb went off, see I just knew they were planting a bomb because my instincts told me and I went and spied on the people working under my apartment, recognized one of them, and then went and confronted him and he confessed to planting the bomb he claimed “for the Persians nick,” “No for George Bush.”

IT AWFUL SHIT.

It’s true that they might have just been fucking with me.

With the help of black magic and the devils perhaps, according to the Hidden Supreme High Priest, Messenger of Truth et cetera.

Now they go and do all this awful shit to me.  We move to Esquimalt and we get like death squaded and mass murder threats.  My dad get’s assaulted and I get stabbing games played with me, verbal abuse, assault. 

  They say am going to go missing for a year, hack my computer, steal my Master’s thesis and my essays and then tell me that for what I wrote I am going to be missing for a longer period of time. 


I told you about this and you said I was paranoid.  I was certainly screwed up.  I started drinking.  I wrote down my ideas and life and tries to meditate on it and analyze it and start making new insight.  I change many things aout my life start getting good friends again.

I still can’t work, and perhaps it is social anxiety related dismotivation. 

I have the symptoms at this time of my social anxiety returning.

Once again no one seems to discuss with me how to deal with it.

My friend new friend who I drink with does he good advice,  He used to be a drug counsellor before getting a higher paid job as a carpenter and flood technician.

I start having more social confidence online.

I make many online friends doing activism against terrorism.  At this point  I a little bit deluded that it was the Muslim attacking me for having started a discussion group about is Mohammad the Beast and False Prophet.  This may actualy have been why that guy I know planted a Bomb for the Persians.  Probably a fire bomb meant to ruin my apartment and maybe apartment building.

It may have been a Neo Nazi who attacked me.  I had a problem with Neo Nazis at this time too.

I was alarmed, starting to get terrified of people again.   My mind was acting weird, it had some kind pf problem with it. 

 I was in shock.  The thought that I was being attacked by terrorists and death squad people had me so shocked I was drinking heavily, especially the thought that they wanted to kidnap and torture me for 1 or 2 years.

I was able to continue my studies at home, and started working with my dad again.

  Now I was feeling better after nothing really happened anymore.

 I had a bunch of fights but had handled it well.

I was now admitted by the secret university to knowing the high priest, and getting his view on my situation if I could impress him enough.

They claim this high Priest is the Archangel Gabriel.

I had been asking God to meet Gabriel for many years and do what it takes. And I had gone on this crazy intellectual and then anti crime mission.  Crazy as in, really serious.  Too serious for most people to even think about.

It was possible for me since I from not just one Royal Family, but many Royal and Noble families.

 At least I believed I was protected  by the secret order and the Angels perhaps.

   Now I was working really hard, doing my PhD work.  I preached, debated, discussed, chatted, read, wrote essays, wrote a book of poems, wrote a musical album, developed a new set of Tai Chi maneuvers.  I wrote my PhD thesis. 

I took tests I got 95-100% on all my tests.

So I wasn’t insane.

A little bit in this time period I thought they had poisoned the brewery because it stank to strangely, or that they had a bad batch of beer, and that I should tell the cops.  I had also feeling of something medically wrong with me.

I felt like there was bad gas in the atmosphere and it was affecting me.

That is that second last time I was in the hospital.

Now I was afraid they had kidnapped my brother because I was harassed by some thugs and my brother looked and sounded different that day.  I was also a bit drunk.

Now I called the cops and I felt the urge to tell them they were hell’s angels.  Lol  they took it an insult (more stupid cops).  Now they cuffed me and took me to hospital.  I told them about my beef with the Persians a bit, but not the bombing.

I had hallucinations when I was given adavan, which I hate taking by the way.

Now I was back to work then and studying hard.

I feel that I am still unable to get a normal job or go get investment and shit for my future companies.  I am working on having the ability to do that but there is some AILMENT going on here.

This is today I am talking about in that last paragraph.

Now what is going on is I need to deal with emerging evidence that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  I have the chronic pain for one now and the memory block and inability to visit traumatic hobbies and things like I can’t read books eh because of what the Quran and Bible and Islamic Christian pedophile terrorists seem to have done to me and my friends.

Well I am doing okay.  I will work on my reading abilities again.  I can’t play piano either or compose music anymore because of all the evil of Music I feel I hear and that I still feel after mass murder threats, death threats, torture threats, child rape threats, kidnapping threats, assault threats, threats to make me a slave…  Well I just still feel traumatized.

So I am having 9 out of 10 of the “COMMON SYMPTOMS” of PTSD according to the most popular website I found to give me symptoms of PTSD.

I quit drinking again recently.  But I find I need to smoke some weed sometimes.  I am not insane, I don’t have dismotaivation disorder I am able to work on my father’s company part time and study and I have PTSD and Chronic Fatigue which is preventing me from going to the gym or running, getting a second part time job and being able to not be disabled anymore.

I still have a chronic non desire to go out downtown, go to public places, meet strangers who do not live in my neighborhood.

To be honest I don’t know how I’d survive without my disability check.  My dad has retired for now and I am not able for working other job. I can only work from my home apparently though this might finally be changing now that I have sorted through some of my anxiety issues.

I no longer believe they are just going to try to keep killing me, though I think they might try to kill my if I report on this Victoria Mob again and get caught doing it again.

My “Archangel” friend, tells me that nothing bad is going to happen to me or my family, that he instructed my guard to prevent the Devil from abusing me anymore.

I have “passed the test” and can “serve God in his Kingdom soon.”

I had a ‘rough patch” but “God won’t let me down.”

This is what this Archangel Gabriel character tells me.

Once I have confidence in that I might get the energy again to start working.  Though my energy level has still been low.

LOW ENERGY.

What is that?

I don’t think I am delusional anymore, having sorted through my delusions and cut them out. 

I had to find out what was going on and what was real to break free of my delusions.

I was severely handicapped by the outlaw child abuser Christians and Muslims...

I think I have motivation to continue my studies and to go learn how to run a business so I can go into business which is my dream.

I don’t have the energy to work full time and study full time though.

Or the motivation to go out and do it.

I really need to get some money coming in so I can look after my crippled brother James (who can only meditate and watch TV and drink and smoke cigarettes and eat, literally.)

And My ELDERLY FATHER NEEDS A BETTER LIFE TOO.

So I am facing responsibilities.

I need my disability cheque.

I working on figuring out the next move.

I know later generation anti psychotics can be used to treat PTSD, so we might just keep the medication going, right?

Perhaps some cognitive behavior therapy could help, if only I can get to the hospital every week to do it.

I might look for online cognitive behavioral therapy.

I am still having trouble cleaning up and keeping my laundry clean and shopping for food and cooking food.

I might look for a job through the Christian Islamic Buddhist networks in town.  Maybe there is some job I can do from my home computer that will pay my bills.  I think I can work from home.  But so far all I find for that in google searches are scams it seems.

I have no capital to invest in anything at all, not even buying a new computer or buying software to make games or apps (which I would like to try doing.).

So I need investment if I am going to go towards launching a business venture or project for making money from home.

ARRRR.

I think my father is still mentally ill but is doing much better.  We have all stopped drinking this week.  We plan to drink again but less and less often. 

So that is my update to you Doctor Shirk.